If I drunk text you and you’re asleep, don’t text me in the morning…that ship has sailed. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh You had me at horses, but then you lost me at corpses. I’m out of control. Buns…sen. Buns…sen.

I had no idea there was so much butt touching in baseball. Thank you zombie boyfriends. I’m out of control. Your body. This is like watching two monkeys at the puberty zoo. The second time hurt the most.

Dad, you’re the best pimp a girl could ever have. Dear God, this is Tina from school. Your ass is grass and I’m gonna mow it. Do you think horses get songs stuck in their heads? Butts. Chad the Zombie touched the butt of that girl with the frosted hair from my art class. I think her name is Kristi.

Now my rash smells like bacon. But it doesn’t itch anymore. Detention is no big deal. Don’t have a crap attack. I’ve logged over 3,000 fantasy hours on my relationship with Jimmy Jr. You don’t just throw that away. I don’t know. Eating lobster? It goes against everything we were taught to believe. Ok then, see you on our date! I’ve been using the toilet like an idiot.

Not if you’re a fish. The second time hurt the most. Everything I know to be true just went out the window. Just when I think I’m out, those cheeks pull me right back in. I could go to jail, or hell, or jail-hell. And I’m gonna read it to the whole school myself.

I don’t know. Eating lobster? It goes against everything we were taught to believe. There’s a lot of carrots in that stew. Ugg, my heart just pooped its pants. It’s a mating list for when the world ends. Can I get your email? My bra’s chafing me. The second time hurt the most.