Dad, you’re the best pimp a girl could ever have. He did? That’s the sleaziest, sneakiest, most romantic thing anyone’s ever done to me. I had no idea there was so much butt touching in baseball. I’m not spooked. What’s the next thing after spooked? I’m that. Do you think horses get songs stuck in their heads? Brr, it sure is cold in here. I wish some strong, chivalrous man would lend me his jacket, or his pants.

I need both ears to hold up my glasses. She grabbed Jimmy Jr’s butt and changed the world. Just when I think I’m out, those cheeks pull me right back in. The second time hurt the most. I’m torn. Dad raised me, but the shark gets me. Everyone touched each other’s butts, and it was great.

I can’t tell where your back ends and your butt begins. It’s an erotic friend fiction story that I just wrote. I hope you like it, because you’re all in it. It’s called ‘Buttloose.’ Brr, it sure is cold in here. I wish some strong, chivalrous man would lend me his jacket, or his pants. I want a dry erase board so I can write down all my private thoughts and then erase them immediately. I’m just not sure if I’ll be any good on the grill with one free hand. Argh!… Wait, I like the library.

Ok then, see you on our date! I’ve logged over 3,000 fantasy hours on my relationship with Jimmy Jr. You don’t just throw that away. Argh!… Wait, I like the library. Gene, you saved us. I owe you my life. My boob? Dear Diary: Tonight I’m sneaking off to the abandoned taffy factory to look for treasure. Also, if boys had uteruses, they’d be called duderuses.