This is like watching two monkeys at the puberty zoo. You won’t regret it, dad. When I kiss Jimmy Jr. under the disco ball, it’ll be like we’re all kissing Jimmy Jr under the disco ball. Ok then, see you on our date! Now my rash smells like bacon. But it doesn’t itch anymore. You had me at horses, but then you lost me at corpses. I’m not spooked. What’s the next thing after spooked? I’m that.uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Dear God, this is Tina from school.

I’m no hero. I just put my bra on one boob at a time. I texted back a smiley face. She texted back some letters I don’t understand. You won’t regret it, dad. When I kiss Jimmy Jr. under the disco ball, it’ll be like we’re all kissing Jimmy Jr under the disco ball. Dad, I need you to drop everything and shave my legs. Our toaster is also confused. It doesn’t know where bagels go. He did? That’s the sleaziest, sneakiest, most romantic thing anyone’s ever done to me. Everyone began to touch each other’s butts. Dear God, this is Tina from school.

Sometimes with Jimmy Jr, I don’t know what to say. But now I don’t know what not to say and it’s like okay guys, who can get to my mouth first? Hey Jimmy Jr. Did you see those two squirrels fighting in the courtyard? I’ve logged over 3,000 fantasy hours on my relationship with Jimmy Jr. You don’t just throw that away. C’mon Dad, just let me bite down on the bean. It’s a mating list for when the world ends. Can I get your email? Dear God, this is Tina from school. Not if you’re a fish. I had no idea there was so much butt touching in baseball.